“What is your deepest regret?”
“That I let fear control my life.”
*Before reading this post I suggest you take a look at this brief overview of the Enneagram. Read what you would like and then come back here 🙂
I’m a 6w7 on the Enneagram. Stress pushes me to be a unhealthy 3 and in security I take on characteristics of a healthy 9. Sorry, there’s lots of numbers and terms that come along with the Enneagram, and if you’re a learner like me, you’ll want to dive in to the Enneagram to learn as much as possible. For the past month or so, I’ve been captivated my the little picture of the Enneagram and the journey that it has led me on so far. If you are interested in learning more about the Enneagram I would highly recommend Ian Morgan Cron & Suzanne Stabile’s book The Road Back to You, as well as their podcast Looking at Life Through the Lense of the Enneagram. But, for now, let me share a little bit of my journey with you.
For most of my life, fear has made 95% (maybe even 99.9%, but I’m trying to get myself some credit 😉 ) of my decisions.
Fear is the blackmail that the devil uses daily to control my actions.
As a child it was the fear I was going to be kidnapped, fear that the tornado siren meant we were all going to die, fear that mom and dad woulden’t pick me up at school, fear that my friends thought I was too sensitive, fear that I would dissapoint people with my grades, fear that I coulden’t live up to my siblings, fear that I would let down those that love me the most.
As a college student it was the fear that I wasn’t “smart enough”, fear that professors would fail me, fear that I couldn’t make friends, fear that I was being the worst roommate, fear that I coulden’t support myself financially, fear that I wouldn’t find a job, fear that I could loose everything at any moment, fear of being physically unsafe.
As an adult it is fear that my friends and family will abandon me, fear that I’ll never find a loving husband, fear I’ll never get to be a mommy, fear family will not know how much I love them, fear that one mistake at work means I’ll be fired, fear I’ll never be enough.
Fear, fear, fear, yet most people have no idea because the fear of expressing all of this means that I’ll loose them, I’ll be too much of a burden to them.
I never imagined that others felt this way, until I read the Ennegram. Of course, like me, other sixes don’t express this because they are also compelled by fear. And here we are, living like a colony of fearful people, thinking we’re the only ones because we can’t express how we really feel. It seems so silly, but it’s so real.
Dear friend, this has given me so much freedom. There are others who constantly think of the worst possible scenario? There are others who live with fear running constantly in the background? It’s made me incredibly aware of how I operate and is beginning to help me let go of the anxiety that’s in my heart. This is not to say that the Eneggram is a quick fix, far from it in fact. The Enneagram shines light on your deepest sins and your most prevalent areas of growth. I’m just beginning my journey of coming to grips with my “sixness” and learning how my friends and family operate so I can better understand them and love them.
The biggest thing I keep telling myself is that God has everything under control. He knows my fears, He knows how I plan things out. He know’s my deepest desires and that fear sometimes keeps me from those. He knows, He knows, He knows, and through all of that fear, He has loved me every second. He’s been there in the middle of the night when I haven’t been able to fall asleep because of fear. He’s been there when I’m frustrated with school or work. He’s been there when I’ve cried over another boy. He’s been there.
He’s my constant. One who can vanquish every fear in my life.
So sojourner, fear is my deepest regret and my everyday struggle. What is holding you back from your highest potential? Have you taken the Enneagram? How has it helped you be a better you? Come journey with me, dear sojourner, and see what God has in store for you.